A run around in China Town

My friend Catherine (‘Cat’) was down for the weekend and so we decided that a shopping spree was in order. Since we’re broke (even though it’s only the 10^th day of the month) we had to find a place that would accommodate our ‘budgets’….China Town (in Ottery) immediately came to mind.

We got there and about 50 stores greeted us! We couldn’t wait to start bargain hunting…..

But after searching through the ‘couture’ we realised that the clothing didn’t quite match our taste……..

These were some of the….uh….eye catching garments:

I have always wanted to run around in a jacket that looks as though it's made from stuffed plastic garbage bags and had a run-in with a Bedazzler....

A must for any lady looking to impress her man....

Stroking the furry wall....

Don't be fooled...this is not a dress, this is what I have fondly named  a "drort"...half dress/half shorts....and VERY tricky to get into.

The perfect matric dance dress....

HOTNESS!

Green leopard print and fur...what a treat!

It's very possible that a couple of cats sacrificed their lives so that this hot specimen of a jersey could exist...

Beauty and the Beast......

Beauty is defined as a “combination of qualities, such as shape, colour, or form, that pleases the aesthetic senses, esp. the sight”

Nowadays there are so many ‘beauty’ products that are meant to enhance our natural good looks…but where do you draw the line between enhancing beauty and ending up looking like something from a death metal concert..

 

 

Now….don't get me wrong…I'm not preaching…I'm a Class-A offender when it comes to abusing certain products….in fact I’m almost certain I keep self-tan manufacturers in business. 

 

It has taken me years to 'master' the art of self tan and even now I get it wrong sometimes. 

 

Last year I was forced to take a good 2 days off of work after my self-tanning activities left me looking like the Oros man. 

 

I was glowing like the victim of a radio-active spill. My skin was SO vividly orange that I removed myself from society until I had achieved a skin tone that was vaguely believable….

 

It takes me about 2 hours to get ready for an average night out and with each passing week new products that do all kinds of awesome things are added to the shelves of Clicks.... 

 

So I did a little calculation and worked out the amount of time i spent applying makeup products: 

 

• 7 hours per week 
• 35 hours per month
• 420 hours per year
• 5040 hours since I started wearing makeup 

 (talk about living life to the fullest o_O) 




The sad thing is that there are woman who put even MORE effort into their appearances than I do and they end up looking  a li'l something like this:

So ladies....before you pick up that makeup brush, apply that extra coat of eyeliner or even glance at your bronzer...give some thought to these poor specimens above and make sure you don't leave your house looking like a replica...

Proudly South African

I came across this remix of the song Pata Pata by Miriam Makeba today! What an amazing song and what an inspirational woman!!!!

Some people lack even the most basic survival skills....

This is the story of the near demise of our tea-lady at work (We will call her Mavis*). 

Every office deserves a break from the mundane monotony of office life...At the offices of E International, it came in the form of Mavis....

Stringent office rules dictate that no person may partake of the office 2 litre milk if they intend to use it “on cereal or for drinking”! 

Office fiends beware, the milk is to be used for coffee and tea ONLY!! 

The offenders in question were therefore sent instructions from the Powers-That-Be to purchase their own milk if they wished to have any on their morning cereal. 

Pistol, one of the employees here at E International, brought her cereal milk in an energade bottle….she stuck it in the fridge and proceeded to forget about it…FOR WEEKS….so there it sat curdling, congealing and growing an army of bacteria. It was siff!!

So when the abomination was discovered again by Pistol….she launched some green dishwashing liquid into its milky depths to:

a.         Attempt to get rid of the smell of rotting milk

b.         Kill any germs and bacteria

She gave it a li’l swirl and then left it on the side of the sink to be appropriately disposed of by Mavis.

This is when everything went HORRIBLY wrong…

Mavis who isn’t always the brightest of beings….saw the Energade bottle and was mesmerised by its cloudy emerald contents. The bottle beckoned to her. She watched it for a few minutes…she was parched…she could no longer resist its appeal...

She grabbed at the bottle, ripped off the cap and began to guzzle down the “green juice”! 

She was interrupted (AFTER SHE HAD DOWNED MORE THAN HALF OF THE CONTENTS!!!) by the shrieks of Pistol who was yelling incoherently. 

“Its sour milk and detergent Mavis!!!!!!!”, Pistol finally managed to gasp.

It was only at this second that Mavis realised what she had forced into her digestive system, (obviously the heinous smell and taste had eluded her until this point….)**

It was absolutely astounding that she hadn’t realised straight away that there was something funky about the “juice" and proceeded to yell obscenities at Pistol for trying to cause her harm.....

Mavis spent the next 2 hours hugging the toilet bowl….hmmm..some people are not equipped with even the most basic of survival skills…

 *    not her real name

**   just f**king stupid!!

All great nights end at McDonald's…..

I have a friend…(for purposes of anonymity we will call him Danger Dan)…

After a big night out on the town, Danger Dan rolled up to the McDonald's, hanging out of the passenger side window of a silver Hyundai Getz, curly ‘fro waving around in the breeze. 

It had been a great night…the only thing that could complete it was a Big Mac McMeal.

Danger Dan’s friend pulled the car into the Drive-Thru where they sat in line for the next 10 minutes…

The McDonald's was incredibly busy and they inched toward the front of the queue. Finally they were able to order.

While caught between the windows where you pay for your meal and collect it, a man approached the car. Danger Dan knew exactly what this man was all about. He was used to this kind of thing. He experienced it often in Cape Town…..another homeless ‘bergie' looking for a handout.

Danger Dan was not even going to ALLOW this man the opportunity to ask him for cash. Before the man could open his mouth to speak, Danger Dan yelled:  

“NO…NO NO no….no no no no no!” 

This was followed by a few minutes of slurred preaching to this ‘bergie’ about getting a job and the joys of making an honest living so that he would not have to beg for money.

The man just stood and gaped…mouth opening and closing like a guppy fish. Danger Dan continued with his tirade. …

After a few more minutes of lecturing, Danger Dan paused long enough for the man to speak: He said: “Dude, I’m just coming to collect my meal! I’m parked over there”…..He gestured toward his car.

This was his car:

In the words of Marshall from How I Met Your Mother: 

“LAWYERED”

Cape Town is the most beautiful city in the world.... :)

This weekend I have removed rock climbing, housebreaking and mountaineering from my list of future careers and/or hobbies….this is why:

I get home last night around 7 ‘o clock in the evening. It's pitch black already! I have a billion things in the back of my car which I now need to transfer into my already very cluttered room. 

My house is accessed by means of a remote-controlled pedestrian gate. So there I was carting stuff back and forth through the gate. On trip number 3 to the car and back I heard something fall and hit the road but thought nothing of it. I shut the gate behind me (it locks automatically when it’s shut).

It was at that point that I realised that my house keys were gone! F#*K!!!! I was locked INSIDE my house! Not many people can achieve that. Most people lock themselves OUTSIDE of things…not me!! They broke the mold when they made me! :)

What a predicament I had found myself in…hmmmmm….what to do??

Then it came to me, in a flash of brilliance! I was going to just nip over the wall, grab my keys and then buzz myself back in. Simple right??

NO….not quite!

So there I am scaling the boundary wall in the dark, in a VERY short white dress, clutching on for dear life! I can feel my dress riding up but I’m not all that concerned, my mind is focused on the keys glinting in the dim light of the street.

 I was LESS graceful (and wearing a dress might I add)!!

I am halfway over the wall, bum in midair, when our FLOODLIGHT comes on and there stands the landlady with a full view of my behind. My pink stick-man granny panties were on display in all their illuminated glory!

Terrific! I think I left a great first impression on my new landlady! I feel we bonded! Hahahahaha :)

So what have I learned?

1. When you want to climb things, wear the appropriate gear (Stacey Allison did not summit Everest in a dress and pink panties)
2. I will never make it as a cat burglar (clearly I lack the necessary stealth and subtlety)
3. If you are wearing bad underwear….it will be exposed and it WILL be embarrassing!!!!
4. Dyeing your hair dark will not remove innate blondeness and/or ditziness!

Trying to get over someone is like trying to forget the words to your favourite song….

Relationships never cease to confound me. They are THE most confusing things around! 


I blame fairytales and Disney for properly screwing up us girls. 

The way we view relationships is totally skewed from childhood.

   
This is how a Disney relationship works:

STEP 1: 

There is ONE Prince charming (How does Disney account for my 50 odd not-so-prince charmings??? Huh? Huh? Huh?)

STEP 2:

Prince charming falls in love with the girl despite the fact that she has one or many flaws. For example:

1. Jasmine – Dresses like a hooker 
2. Sleeping Beauty– Narcoleptic 
3. Cinderella – Broke Ass Domestic    Worker/Gold digger
4. Ariel – Not even of the same species (and a ginger might I add)
5. Snow White – shacked up with SEVEN  other men

The list goes on…. 

STEP 3: 

Add 1 x Evil villain who is overcome by said Prince Charming 

STEP 4: 

HAPPILY EVER AFTER

REAL LIFE DOES NOT WORK THIS WAY…..

Disney movies fail to enlighten us of the following phenomena which are characteristic of a number of Not-So-Prince Charming’s I have encountered:

1. Cheating
2. Lying
3. Emotional unavailability
4. Selfishness
5. Possessiveness
6. Clingyness
7. Disinterest
8. Commitment –Phobia
9. Homosexuality (oh yes…it's happened to me!!)
10. General douche-baggy behaviour

Does this mean that there is no hope for us girls? Hmmmm…possibly!!!!! O_o

Ariel's prince didn't tell her he couldn't 'do long distance' despite the fact that she lived underwater.


We have never heard Aladdin tell Jasmine that he is 'just not that into her'.


Snow White's Prince didn't drunken score some other Disney princess.


And Cinderella's man didn't run off because he was into men.....

SO WHAT IS THE REALITY??

I think the best thing we can hope for is a Prince Quite-Charming with not too many flaws (or with flaws we can learn to love or accept) who is prepared to put up with our flaws (irrationality, blind rage, crying etc…) who we can live sort of happily with for as long as possible.

D.I.Y Eyebrow Removal

EYEBROWS ARE A NECESSITY! 

Christina Yang from Greys Anatomy proved that this is true. Very few people...if any.... can "rock" the no-eyebrows look. I learned this lesson the hard way the night  I performed some accidental eyebrow D.I.Y on myself. Ling-Su had spent a night on the town....drinks were flowing....tequila, vodka, gin, apple sours, cocktails....u name it, Ling drank it that fateful night...and I paid the price. A very liquored Ling-Su arrived home at 4am stumbled up the stairs and fell into her bedroom door before proceeding to the bathroom.

Normally Ling would simply crash into bed and pass out after a big night....but not this night...oh no...! On this fateful night Ling decided that sleeping with makeup on would be a very bad idea as Lyn's skin would have to suffer the consequences of Ling-Su's poor life choices. Ling-Su smashed her way into the bathroom, grabbed the facial wash on the table and proceeded to thoroughly scrub her face to ensure that all makeup had been properly removed. She dried her face with a towel and then flopped ungracefully into bed. 

The next morning I woke up groggy, head throbbing and proceeded slowly to the bathroom to start my day. The scene that met me was quite astounding! Ling had managed to dislodge the towel rail and clear the side of the bath of its contents (which now lay strewn all over the floor). On the table next to the sink lay a bright pink bottle...lid off...contents oozing out! Why on EARTH was my Veet hair remover lying open on the table?? I soon had the answer to this question. It took no more than a simple glance in the mirror to discover the reason. An alien-like face gawked back at me! Where the hell were my effing eyebrows?!!!!!

Yes...it happened to me...I'm not proud of it. It appears the all too eager Ling-Su had accidentally 'Veeted' my eyebrows into non-existence. My skin was clear! GRAND! no worries there thanks to Ling's 'take off your makeup before bed' insight! BUT...NO EYEBROWS! do you know what it's like to walk around with no eyebrows for weeks!?! I DO!!!FML!

MORAL OF THE STORY: DO NOT APPLY BEAUTY PRODUCTS TO YOUR FACE AFTER DRINKING!!!! YOU WILL PAY THE PRICE :)

A li'l introduction

So here I am, trying my hand at this blogging thing. Im a 25 year old blonde lawyer who has just hit her quarter life crisis. 

Ling-Ling or Ling-Su is the name by which I'm most commonly known. Ling-Ling is my drunken alter ego....the crazy blonde that emerges unexpectedly on weekends and unleashes herself on those in close proximity o_O. 

I suppose by age 25 you're kind of expected to have life figured out....NOT ME!!! I'm about as all over the place as they come...... I sometimes feel like my life has the makings of a low-budget soap opera...thus the reason for this blog...

Some things just HAVE to be documented :)